can we get nightvision for the apartment?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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