Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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