Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
