dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
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