Where is the hickey?
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I just gargled with NyQuil
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
