why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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