my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Houston, we have a squirter
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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