Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
