Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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