K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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