nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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