why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
