I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
