woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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