Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Enjoy the penises
Randomize
