New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize