Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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