I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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