I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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