I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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