Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
