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just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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