Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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