i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
