You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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