Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize