walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
