quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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