You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize