btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
