filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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