I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
