people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
