i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize