Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Randomize
