I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize