He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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