you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
