Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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