I'm lost and stupid without you.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
