Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
