At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
