I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize