Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
