The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
