you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Everyone says I win the strip club
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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