i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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