even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize