I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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