there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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