Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
