I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
