Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
