i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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