remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
