Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
