sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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