I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
