So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
