the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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