there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
