Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize