During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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