I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
