party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
