i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
