Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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