There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
