Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize