Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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