11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
