Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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