and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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