Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
